Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Woman's Eternal Conflict - Blah, Blah Blah


So Becca, our caregiver, has the flu. Since Monday I've been on my own with the two boys, an idea that would have terrified me just a couple months ago. Now, granted, there's a big difference between a 3 month old and a 5 month old (for anyone reading this who doesn't have kids, indulge in a huge eyeroll, but really it's like a "monkey vs. Lucy" difference). But still, the notion that I could capably and successfully take care of an infant and a toddler all day long without anyone's help and without collapsing into a heap of pooping, whining, crying madness (and that's just me) is a relatively new discovery.


Privileged. Yes. Let's call a spade a spade. The fact that I can be on maternity leave and have full-time help is like the Prada of childcare situations. Yesterday, I bumped into our neighbour at the park - me with Loki and Nate and she with her two kids, who are a bit older. Her son and Loki play "Sportball" together on Tuesday mornings - an activity generally reserved for just Loki and me as our special time one-on-one. I mentioned that if Becca was still under the weather than all three of us would be there together. "Who's Becca" my neighbour's daughter asked her mom, as they walked away. "Loki's nanny," the mom answered, to which the girl questioned "why do they need a nanny?"

Because I'm lazy! - I thought about yelling over my shoulder- And kindof incompetent!

I always imagined myself as a working mom. Isn't that a hoot - a "working mom" as if there are moms who don't work. Okay, I always imagined myself as a mom who also has a salaried, socially-rewarded and recognized career. But, after a year off with Loki I thought, how exactly do I pay someone else to do this job which is so clearly and completely mine? I had just gotten over feeling guilty that we pay someone to walk our dog - now I'm hiring out motherhood? But if I don't go back to work, what happens to me? Well, I start to feel half-there. That's who I am. I need meetings and deadlines and projects and people to say "wow, you're really great at that." One of my biggest struggles with motherhood is that, as much as I ask for it, Loki will not sit down for a semi-annual appraisal. So far, Nate's given me verbal feedback in the form of raspberries but refuses to put anything in writing. No one will grade me.

I think this might be why the whole dinner-thing plays such an important role in my life as mother. It is concrete. It is a success (everyone ate-it-up-yum) or a failure (even Herb wouldn't eat it) and it requires planning and creativity and results in a final product. Dinner is my daily report card.

Ironically, part of the reason I have time to fixate so much on what to make for dinner is the fact that I have childcare.

But, what I've realized over the past 2 days is that I could do it on my own and I would be just fine, in fact, possibly even good at it. I've baked. I've achieved the simultaneous nap (so much more rewarding and satisfying than the simultaneous orgasm). We've gone to the park, to the school, to Sport Play, to lunch at a sidewalk cafe. I set up the sprinkler in the backyard and stripped Loki down to his diaper and we romped through it while little Nate basked in the wonder of tree shadows.

And, I've made dinner. Easy, quick dinners. But dinner none-the-less.

The house is messy, there are dishes in the sink and I'm considering a glass of wine before 3pm but selfishly, I hope Becca needs another day of rest. I like having my children all to myself (for a few days, anyway).

Tonight's Menu:

- Salmon on the grill (with Barefoot Contessa's yummy asian salmon marinade)

- Asparagus (also on the grill coated in olive oil, salt and pepper)

- Either fresh bread from the bakery or steamed rice depending on how the afternoon goes...


1 comment:

  1. superhero, it is. That is really impressive. Most especially, the dinner part. Your explanation explains it all. A+

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